Too much milk is off

By James Bennett

I have a secret to share with our readers: we have some lunatics and potential psychopaths working in the editorial team at The News.

And I figured it out. They drink really milky English Breakfast tea. And I mean really milky.

I say to them ‘Do you want tea with your milk’ and we all share a laugh.

It frightens me because I’ve identified at least seven in the office who commit this criminal act.

It would be eight in the newsroom but one of them left here at Christmas to spread the disease, so stay away from Sydney.

What made things worse when I decided to become the Spanish Inquisition over this topic yesterday, I was shocked to discover new journalist Spencer Fowler Steen — who I thought I could trust — has become a victim of this travesty.

My task for the next few months is cutting down Spencer's milk-to-tea ratio.

If you’re sitting next to someone drinking milky tea, don’t approach them. Keep your distance and make an excuse to leave the room.

Wash your hands, then contact the ‘Tea-rminator Hotline’ and alert them immediately.

The ‘Tea-rminator Hotline’ deals with these types of requests on a daily basis because they’re fully aware of the dangers of what a really milky tea drinker poses to a civilised society.

I won't get into the details of what will happen to these people but my sources tell me it's all for the greater good.

Now I need to make one thing clear, milk in tea is not illegal — in fact it’s highly encouraged.

But sanctions must be introduced to ensure sanity within our wonderful community.

You’ll see there is a photo attached with this column of a cup of tea.

Please use this a guideline. This is the limit of lightness, any darker is fine.

One solution is banning people from society who pour milk into the cup, then stick the tea bag in the cup so it’s sitting there while you wait for the kettle to boil.

Once we gain control over the too much milky tea populous, the crime rate should reduce.

That, and limiting sugar to no more than three teaspoons. That will sort out all the riffraff.

What is the point of having so much milk in your tea? What are you gaining?

If you want milk have a glass of milk, and that's another thing that's creepy. I've seen fully grown men go to the fridge and pour a schooner full of milk in a glass.

That is probably my biggest pet peeve in the world, when people drink milk as if it's the last essence of liquid to be travelling through their body.

It has sent a shiver up my spine thinking of people that will drink glasses of milk.

Milk is to be drunk in small doses or used to accompany a beverage or any desserts that's dominated by molten chocolate, and obviously cereal.

I don't have anything against milk, for example, I love cheese — which is technically just mouldy milk.

Milk is an essential product in many baked goods, and sometimes can be used as a substitute for cooking cream.

Don't pour a cow's udder into your tea.

James Bennett is a journalist at The News. Follow him on Twitter @jwbennett93

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