The Boss's Dog

COVID-19: A Meeting of the Minds

By The General

I had a rare moment of clarity the other day - an epiphany of sorts - while performing the downward dog yoga pose as part of my morning exercise routine, and it was this: humans are becoming more like us.

Given the unquestionable superiority of the ways of the canine, I figured it was only a matter of time before humans achieved this evolutionary leap. But I must admit, the speed at which they’ve managed this feat has surprised even me.

At first I couldn’t quite put my paw on exactly what had changed. But then it hit me: humans have finally begun to appreciate the pleasures of lying around doing nothing. That manic urge to be perpetually busy appears to have deserted them at last, and instead they lounge about on cushions like us, doing as little as possible.

Oddly enough, however, they don’t appear relaxed and at ease in their lounging, engaged in quiet contemplation of the big questions: when is breakfast? What is for breakfast? What about lunch? Is there a meal between the two, or is it something we should be looking into? No, the humans appear agitated, fidgety, restless – as though something else, not altogether desirable, is on their minds. Evidently, they still have a way to go.

That said, I’ve noticed lately that humans appear to be more excited by food than even we dogs are. I see them returning home triumphantly, crazed grins and eyes a little wild as they brandish bags overflowing with goodies. They add these to the teetering towers of canned food, sacks of rice, loaves of bread, mince, porkchops…geez, I’m getting all droolly just thinking about it.

And I can relate to this. Hell, if I knew where the sneaky devils manage to procure all these delights, I might have to re-think my sedentary way of life. I reckon I’d always be on the move too.

So I get the food hoarding, the stockpiling of countless cans of tucker for a rainy day. The toilet paper hoarding is another story: we dogs go where we please and we have no need for such pointless extravagances. Well, most of us, anyway. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if that Golden Leave-it-There used toilet paper to clean himself up afterwards, perhaps around the back behind the shed. Always struck me as a bit suss, that one.

The humans also seem to have come around to the joys of the walk. They’re lining up at the moment to take we dogs out for a stroll and enjoy the fresh air. And they seem to be purchasing firearms in ever greater numbers (presumably to go out, shoot ducks and retrieve them. I get this too).

There are still some little differences between us, though. For instance, I don't understand all the constant hand washing, scrubbing, and cleaning, and soaps and creams that make you smell like a lemon. Humans have obviously never experienced the unbridled pleasures of rolling around in a freshly dead sheep carcass. But at the rate they’re progressing, I reckon they'll come around on this soon enough.

I have a dream. A dream that one day, humans, black dogs, white dogs and brown dogs will prowl the land in quiet companionship, hunting rabbits, foxes and other delectable mobile treats together. Woof!