Being a grey nomad is not simply a case of becoming a senior citizen, retiring (in either order), hitching up the van and heading north. This week we talk to a pair of veterans of the back of beyond – beyond the outback – about what to do, and not do, to make it a memorable experience.
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RETIREMENT isn’t just a case of pack up your dreams in your old kitbag and smile, smile, smile (for mile after mile, mile, mile) as you hit the road.
Because if you aren’t a whole lot more careful, reality might just run into you head on. In 2009, with a combined resume´ of the Vietnam War, dairy farming, teaching, trucking (and a few other distractions along the way) — Allan and Jeanette Wallace took to the road just to get a bit of ‘me’ time and get their breath back.
While they had done a lot of (very) short haul vanning with their children when they were much younger, they still look back on their ‘official’ first retirement holiday with amazement. Victoria to Cape York means next stop is Port Moresby — in downtown New Guinea.
Although Jeanette clarified they swapped their caravan for a bus tour from Cairns. After 2700 km (give or take) they figured 3600 km might be a kilometre too far. But since then this Vietnam veteran and his veteran educator wife have become the pin-up couple for the ever growing legions of grey nomads (COVID-19 notwithstanding).
And they are both pretty confident that whenever the post-COVID era arrives domestic tourism is going to take on a whole new meaning.
So with their track record of crisscrossing Australia for more than a decade, they were asked to provide our readers with the benefit of their experience. Their top tips of things to do include:
■ Try (as long as necessary) before you buy.
Allan said once you decide you want to give caravanning a go, don’t rush out and buy the one you think will work for you; rent one for a weekend, or a week. He said he had known people to splash out on some pretty expensive rigs and realise on their first outing it was all wrong for them. “You really can spend a lot of time trying vans of all shapes and sizes, on a rental basis to find out, first and foremost, if you like it and then what you are looking for in your van,” Allan said. “We have a friend who is really into it and would probably be on his fifth or sixth Jayco now.”
■ Get the best total care insurance cover.
“This is a must, because if you do have a major problem the cover will get you home, and your van to wherever it needs to be for repairs and/ or replacements,’’ Jeanette said. ‘‘Caravanners can get to some pretty out-of-the-way places, in some of the most isolated places in the country, so a major problem for an uninsured driver is going to be a big problem.”
■ Make sure your car can tow your caravan (a particular trap for first-timers privately buying a second-hand van).
‘‘The line between your car and the van along the hitch and the tow bar should be level — but you see people driving around with the back of their car pushed down because the connection is all wrong and this is dangerous on the road as well as bad for both vehicles,” Allan said. “It keeps coming back to right car for the job and getting a professional set-up.”
■ Learn some basic maintenance/mechanical skills (can all be done online).
Jeanette said they had done some online work on top of their years of practical experience as farmers. “And when we say basic, we mean basic. Some people don’t even know how to change tyres. And simple but vital things such as checking oil, water, all your tyres and lights also need to be done,” she said.
■ Absolutely do a professional first aid course and pack a professional kit.
Jeanette and Allan agree this one is vital and they have attended multiple sessions to make sure if they need to do anything major they will be able to cope until help arrives. Jeanette said if you were like them and did a lot of remote travel on your own, that meant you were also on your own if something happened. “We haven’t needed to use the training but that’s why we have done more than one session, it just keeps you up-to-date and confident you can do it right,” she said.
■ If you are going to the back of beyond, get a satellite phone.
Phones always raise a laugh between Allan and Jeanette because one of them — and she shall remain nameless — apparently tends to lose them.
Allan said he would never go bush without a sat phone because they spent a lot of time in areas where there was simply no regular phone coverage. “The phones now also have digital trackers in them so people can zero right in on you if they need to find you in a hurry.”
■ And if you are going beyond that, you must have an EPIRB (emergency position indicating radio beacon).
Allan said while the latest generation sat phones made the EPIRB somewhat redundant, theirs had been a safety net for many of the years they have been on the road (and always goes with them in the tinny that also goes on holiday with them). “They’re not just for ships; if you set yours off it will be received in a hurry and you can stay calm knowing help is at hand,” he said. “But I have heard of people setting them off because they had a flat tyre — that can prove to be a very expensive lesson.”
■ Research where you are going and where you might camp.
Jeanette is the specialist here but even with all her experience things do sometimes go awry. “I looked one place up and it was beautiful but when we got there it was a drought and there was no grass, no water and one very sad and sorry little tree, so we went back to the nearby hotel and asked to camp there,” she said. “The man in charge was happy to also let us have power but we had to run the cord through a bathroom, down a passage go via the laundry and then out a window — and with a lot of small country pubs that would be typical,” she said. “In another site the campground was beautiful but there was no-one there and it didn’t feel right, so we left and went down the road a while and camped down another side road. ‘‘A police car dropped in not long after and said the previous park would not have been the best spot in a caravan on your own.” Their top tips of things not to do:
■ Don’t buy first and discover you want to sell a week later. See above.
■ Don’t forget your van needs as much care as your car. Just like your car, your van has wheels, axles, gas bottles, solar power, water supplies, electrics, lighting, fridges, toilets, showers and more — and Allan said it all needed a check from time to time. “There are other things you need to consider,” Allan said.
“Even though we have solar power and four batteries (even though two are recommended) that’s not going to be enough to work an airconditioner somewhere in the midst of an Australian summer.
“If you need that, book into a hotel,” he laughed. “We do have a back-up generator in case all else fails and I think that is also a major must if you are really going bush.”
Despite all that isolation, Jeanette said they were, one time, so far from anything civilised it could have been on the moon.
“But that didn’t stop some people turning up around 1.30 am to steal our generator. We were both naked but Allan was shouting ‘where’s my gun?’ even though we don’t have one in the caravan.”
She said she had laughed at the time and started laughing again as she recalled the tale.
■ Don’t set off your EPIRB unless it is almost life threatening (charges for rescuing you from a flat tyre are hideous).
When an EPIRB does go off it galvanises people across the country as the authorities crank up a search from zero to full-bore in about 60 seconds — and marshalling rescuers in those numbers does not come cheap if you have set off a false alarm. If you do, switch off the beam, switch off your sat phone because of its tracker — and run.
■ If travelling in a group don’t make regular time and destination demands, be flexible.
This one, Allan and Jeanette say, is something you need to be really switched on about. If you are going with a group from a 4WD or van club both agree the key to success is flexibility. “It is pointless,” Jeanette said, giving Allan the hard stare, “to go on these if you aren’t interested in getting along with people, or you want them to move faster or slower; you just have to be happy to fit in. “It’s a bit different if you meet people on the road and travel with them for a bit; that gives you more options, but the key is, everyone has to fit in and get along to some degree.”
■ Don’t ignore the advice of experienced travellers, road warnings or tips from locals.
You’re the visitor; trust Allan and Jeanette when they say the locals have probably forgotten more about local conditions than you will ever know.
“Out there so many tracks really are just that, tracks. Flash floods, fullblown floods, dust storms, fire, stock on roads, kangaroos, road conditions and parking spots; if you ask a local, listen to what they have to offer,” Allan said.
And while it is hardly ever the case, Jeanette had the last word.
There is another ‘‘don’t’’ that you should be aware of.
The rule, Jeanette emphasised, must always be ‘‘whenever you stop at a campsite you chock the caravan wheels before unhooking from the car so it can’t shift while you are doing that,” she said.
“But it can be completely overlooked if you’re not paying attention; or want to blame something else because you were in a rush or simply forgot,” she said.
“If that happened, and if you just happened to be inside the van opening windows and setting up, the next thing you might know is the van might suddenly be rolling, faster and faster towards a deep ditch, with someone like Allan yelling (or perhaps screaming) “stop the van!”.
“That would be a great plan, wouldn’t it? Of course the poor passenger has no chance of slowing anything down before the catastrophic event occurs, the van plunging into the depths of the ditch.
“Unless of course there was a dash of divine justice and for reasons never known, the van might be stopped on the very edge of the precipice.”
And that — if it ever happened to you — is when the fight would almost certainly start.