Opinion

I was maid for this moment of decision

By Shepparton News

There is only one detail left that truly perplexes me.

The bridesmaids.

It is a given — and I believe accepted by all — that no bridesmaid outshine the bride.

And yes, you’re right, that would never be an issue for me.

However, it is an issue for several of my friendship circles — the lifelong, the A list, the exceptionals and even a few of the more ambitious in the wannabes.

They are all making their pitches — some subtle, some downright disgracefully; although I do admire their neediness to be near me.

While getting our breath back late one afternoon at the weekend, when it had been too cold to go anywhere except bed, I absentmindedly touched on the topic without realising he was actually paying attention.

Which for some equally perplexing reason he then assumed that by actually listening he also had licence to offer suggestions.

I mean really, did I ask for his advice when I told him who his attendants would be?

Of course not.

So in what world would he think his assessments should, or even could, carry any consequence?

Then as I was about to teach him yet another of life’s important lessons I suddenly realised while I might still be panting, with just the merest hint of a sheen on my forehead, he had recovered his breath and all right, that lesson could be postponed for another 15 or 20 minutes.

There was no rush, after all.

Except there is.

Because the chosen few will then face their own challenges.

Such as wanting to go on diets; a little botox here and there perhaps; certainly Pilates will be discussed (although not by me) and then there will be major conversations about hair colour, height, and, above all else, attitude.

Girls, let’s be blunt here. Bridesmaids are not an emotional decision, when you are planning to have five, it is a recruiting campaign.

A quick look at the position description says it all:

1. Height. They must all be shorter, and as they must be wearing heels their starting measurements are crucial.

2. Body type. There is a little more latitude here, provided all candidates are prepared to weigh at least 4kg more than me 24 hours before the ceremony.

3. Hair colour. I will be the only blonde on the day.

4. Eyes. Mine are such a delicate blue. Coloured contact lenses in green, hazel or brown are available for everyone else.

5. Nails. We will all be wearing the same colour, once I choose it. If you bite your nails, bite me. False nails are a major no-no. Imagine if one caught on my train, or fell off coming down the aisle.

6. Fainters, high-pitched gigglers, wearing glasses, any skin conditions, diagnosed neuroses, first timers and stunners are all immediate fails.

So getting back to the pressures I am under when dealing with this, my senior best friend suggested I consider a consultant to run the interview panel as a way to help me cope.

Well that was nice of her, in a rather feeble way, but I can’t imagine for a minute anyone would doubt how much I thrive under this sort of load.

She’s lucky she is short (and just a little dumpy) or she may have jeopardised her own minor part as chief bridesmaid in this production.

So, still focused on me, you can see how firm I am going to have to be.

After trawling through the files on the 20 who have made the shortlist it is apparent already that finding five is going to be an ask too far.

So you must excuse me while I call him and explain why he only wants four attendants now, not five.

I might even suggest he quickly drop around and we can work on our four-play together.

Ta-ta for now. Chat soon.