How could any God or some divine spirit decide 'I’m going to create a man with more body hair than a wild gorilla, a full length beard and a balding head'? Who could be so cruel?
I hate how my body works, expect for my beard; I love that thing. It’s my only redeeming bodily feature. Other than that, there’s not much that meets the eye; although I do look sharp in my new staff photo.
The big fat pot belly is my own doing. I could lose weight and do exercise regularly but with the birth of Colonel Sanders and halal snack packs I prefer to eat like a pig.
The body hair was always going to happen. Mum’s side of the family is Jewish and dad’s side is Scottish (I think) so I really had no option.
My body hair has a mind of its own. It starts at the base of my stomach and goes up to my chest and all the way up to my neck, where my beard line starts. My back and my legs cop it too. Yuck.
I once had a my back waxed and it was probably the biggest waste of $34.95 I've ever spent because the hair grew back thicker and in record time.
Pretty embarrassing when I was hoping to have a sexy beach body — except I was closer to a sexy beached whale.
The thing that depresses me the most with my head hair is I look at photos when I was about three and I had thick blond hair. Now I have thin brown hair and it’s starting to disappear. Zero hour is approaching.
I’ll look like my father (who is also bald) and, as much as I love him, I don’t want to share the same hairstyle.
Add the Ned Kelly-style beard to my baldness and that’s me spending the rest of my life alone trying to convince people I’m not the serial killer from their favourite podcast.
Although my beard is wonderful from the outside, there are some maintenance issues of which most beardless people would be are unaware.
I grow my beard to an extreme length, which is fine, but it does moult a little bit. It’s pretty easy to deal with, but not when you share a bathroom with two other blokes.
I don’t want them stepping on or having to clean up any stray hairs; that's disgusting. I even get a little grossed out by my hair.
The other issue with my beard comes at the golden gate to the stomach. The moustache, particularly near the side of the mouth, must be brush aside and trimmed.
I can’t eat food with a lot of sauce such as burgers, stir-fry or pasta dishes. Any food that touches a hair can spread like a virus. You think one drop of mustard is nothing? Think again.
Wipe the beard with a napkin and all of a sudden an entire bottle of the stuff is in your hands.
The solution could be trimming back or shaving the beard, but without it, unfortunately, I look like a 12-year-old.
So, I've come to accept the masses of body hair and have decided to research more into growing back the mop on top.
● James Bennett is a hirsute journalist at The News. Follow him on Twitter @jwbennett93
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