One of the things that we often need to tell our oldest son is that he needs to back himself. He often doubts his abilities to do a decent job at school or even on the hockey field. Unfortunately, he may well have inherited it from his good ol’ dad. I also have the same issue and I suspect that my heavenly father may be doing something very similar when it comes to my preaching preparation. For a number of months, I have found it increasingly difficult to complete my normal preparation for a sermon.
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My normal process is to read the passage and let it sit. Then I’ll do some background reading on it from commentaries. After that, I’ll let it sit and brew for a while. Once I have come down to a focus point, I will start to work out what needs to go into the sermon (including what I would like to see as a response to what God is saying). After, that I sit down and write a full manuscript.
Recently, I have found it exceptionally difficult to sit and write the manuscript. There have been lots of early Sunday mornings, where I have just had to get it done. Way back in the back of my mind though, there has been a little thought. Just flickering away like a dim bulb just barely getting enough electricity to light up. It wasn’t until last weekend that the light bulb became bright enough for me to see what it was saying. Last weekend I had prepared my sermon, I had put together the full manuscript. I had taken portions from a book that I am referring to but it was all there. My 2000-2500 word manuscript. But as I preached, I found myself moving more and more away from the notes. I found myself wanting to say things differently. The sermon ended up feeling quite different for me. I didn’t feel like I had referred to my notes much and had actually preached from somewhere other than my brain.
I feel like God is telling me to back myself and that I have started to use my manuscript as a crutch for own my-self doubt. I have told myself for a long time that I write better than I speak. What if I do both well enough. What if I have just been using that as an excuse and the reason that the manuscripts are becoming harder to write is that God doesn’t want that from me. What if God is telling me to go for it. To have confidence in Him and myself. To trust.
Is it time to redevelop my preaching? To reinvent myself in that way? To back my self when it comes to public speaking? How would that even look?
