Now I’m truly in the doghouse!

Crime and punishment: “What were you thinking?” The Boss asked. It turns out I wasn’t ....

The Boss was mortified. The missus outraged. The young missus speechless. Only the Golden Leave-it-There looked smugly pleased — as he does when I am being punished.

It looks like I have really done it. I have humiliated and disgraced the entire family through a transgression — such an unspeakable act that I would be grimly censorious of whomsoever committed it. Except it was me.

I have sworn The Boss to absolute secrecy while I come to terms with what I have done. And that wasn’t hard, because he is acutely embarrassed by my behaviour and reluctant to admit to any soul on earth that he could be attached to such a dog.

That’s how bad it is. Worse than poor Pistol and Boo, watching their former co-owner Johnny Depp having his intimate house-play being raked through the courts.

As I said to The Boss, I was only acting on instinct. But that, said The Boss, is something that gets more than dogs into trouble.

He suggested I look to others for guidance because I need to make a public statement, an apology. “Given you consider yourself an athlete, General, Tiger Woods might be a good start.”

Well, when under pressure about his infidelities, Tiger said: I have let my family down, and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behaviour my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.

Then The Boss pointed me to some politicians who had been caught paddling outside the flags:

Though I’m trying to do better, I know I have a long way to go. That is my commitment. My journey now will be to learn about myself and conquer my demons.

My offence was decidedly more grave, however, and my public relations people say it demands words so profoundly heart-rending that they get me off the hook, and that fallen AFL players are a better guide:

I know there are many in my family and among The Boss’s friends who are deeply hurt by the choices I have made. I am going to work very hard to demonstrate that I am a worthy dog.

I am checking myself into a clinic, thus avoiding the media spotlight, so I can focus on a period of deep personal reflection; I am grappling with mental health issues and ask that everyone respects my privacy at this difficult time.

Now, this does have the whiff of PR about it. The Boss says it doesn’t quite capture the real me — the dog I truly am. If you can help me find the perfect mea culpa to restore my dignity and damaged reputation, feel free to email me at

I’ll send you a slightly charred dog biscuit. Woof!