These are the words Carol, a 58-year-old single mother from Queensland, wrote in her journal after hitting the lowest point of her 18-year pokies addiction.
A Royal Australian Air Force veteran, Carol fell into gambling following the premature death of her husband Lance in 2005.
Drowning in debt, Carol said the hardest thing was overcoming shame and embarrassment to open up about her money troubles.
"There was a lot of lying because I was so embarrassed," she told AAP.
"It took opening up and it took tough love to finally get a handle on things."
It's a problem many Australians grapple with, as research shows nearly one-in-four (23 per cent) never speak to their family or friends about their finances.
Almost a third (32 per cent) feel uncomfortable discussing money whatsoever with loved ones.
The findings, from a nationwide Salvation Army survey of 2005 people, show people are staying silent even in the face of crippling debts.
Many leave these discussions too late, Kristen Hartnett, head of the Salvation Army's financial counselling service Moneycare told AAP.
She recalled one client whose family had no idea he was in debt until he lost their home.
"I think in Australia, money is deeply personal," Ms Hartnett said.
"We value our independence and our privacy, and that means when the financial challenges come, we're often struggling in silence."
Nearly 10 million Australians entered the new year in debt, the survey found, while nine-in-10 reported feeling as or more stressed about their finances than last year.
While credit card debt continues to be the most widely held kind, finance experts are raising the alarm about new borrowing methods, including the use of buy now, pay later (BNPL) services.
BNPL services allow consumers to finance purchases with interest-free repayments, often for everyday expenses such as groceries and entertainment.
While it has quickly cemented itself as a favourite among Australians, particularly younger people, Ms Hartnett says it carries unique risks.
"People might have one to three credit cards, but they can have ten to twenty buy now, pay later products," Ms Hartnett said.
"They're smaller debts but the stress can add up when you've got more noise coming at you from more creditors."
Coral agreed, saying part of her recovery involved deleting her BNPL services, limiting herself to one credit card for essential expenses.
"Now, I'm very proud of myself," she said.
"I got that tough love, which is what I needed to get a handle on my life."
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