I think there’s far too much punishment in this cruel world and not enough rehab.
However, there comes a point when you have to face the consequences of wilful, damaging or just plain idiotic actions.
Otherwise, the world will go the dogs.
And that’s not a literary metaphor. It’s a literal one.
This past month, I’ve been keeping a list of wrongdoings and misdemeanours committed by one notorious vandal snappily labelled in the popular press as Desmond the Destroyer.
Desmond goes about his nefarious deeds like a serial killer — usually under cover of darkness, or at least in the shadows.
Occasionally, he’ll commit something utterly outrageous in broad daylight when your back is turned.
If discovered mid-crime, he will look up, drop his ears and widen his eyes to become a ridiculous Disney cartoon of non-butter-melting innocence.
I am now hardened to this ploy, so I look him straight in his pleading little doggy chocolate box face and say: “Oh just stop it – that doesn’t work anymore.”
The list of Desmond’s acts of vandalism is long, but here are three of the most memorable:
1: Chewing a $60 tube of viridian green oil paint resulting in white paws, lips and snout creating a disco version of a John Constable painting. Garden deposits a day later competed with the geraniums for a bold Matisse effect.
2: Chewing two boxes of tissues. The results are beyond believable description. I can only come up with a single word: snowpocalypse.
3: Making life hell for visiting aunts and anyone over 60 who is not dog-tolerant and who is wearing expensive shoes. Conversations are peppered with explosions of “Oh!” “Gerroff!” “Go away!”
Other misdemeanours include chewing pencils, collars, tree guards, flower pots, bags of mulch or fertiliser, and hole digging.
Desmond recently appeared in Shepparton’s Canine Criminal Court and, after a persistent campaign to obtain records under the Freedom of Canine Information Act, I now have a transcription of court proceedings.
It makes compelling reading:
Canine Prosecutor (CP): I put it to you sir that:
- On December 9, 2025, during a period of time between 3.10pm and 3.30pm, you did smash and attempt to eat a coloured glass ball dangling from a loungeroom Christmas tree.
- On December 15, 2025, at approximately 8.17am, you did steal and eat visiting cat Jasper’s breakfast comprising Whiskas Ocean Fish Loaf topped with Dine Chicken Flavour Creamy Treats.
- On January 2, 2026, at approximately 11.14am, you did chew and destroy a sprinkler head making an entire garden watering system inoperable during one of the hottest periods of the year.
- On January 16, 2026, at approximately 3.16pm, you made an escape attempt by racing out of the front door and up the street to terrorise neighbourhood dogs, requiring an Olympic sprint by your geriatric owner and endangering his life.
Judge Winston McGruff (WM): How do you plead sir?
Defendant: Not guilty, Your Honour.
WM: On what basis?
Defendant: I am a dog, Sir.
WM: Ninety nine per cent of the creatures who appear before me in this court are dogs of varying degrees in biology or morals. What other excuse do you have for such a list of wanton destruction and wilful disobedience?
Defendant: I am a Jack Russell dog, Sir.
WM: (Banging his bone gavel) Case dismissed.
John Lewis is a former journalist at The News.
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