This 2.3m wide 5000L water tank has to be moved through that 1.8m tall roller door gap. Any questions?
“Atten-shun!
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“OK men — stand at ease. Our mission today is going to test every miserable fibre in your tired, flabby bodies. It’s going to take guts, teamwork and brute strength.”
Staff Sergeant Can-Do-It Ken stood in my driveway, the sun glinting off his giant Stillson wrench.
He turned and pointed to his right.
“That 500L water tank has to be moved through that carport to the backyard. Is that clear?”
“Yes sir,” Corporal Precious Fingers and Private Fur-Brain Finski replied in unison.
Sgt Can-Do-It continued.
“The water tank is 2.3m wide. The gap under the carport roller door is 1.8m. Any questions?”
“It’s not going to fit, sir.”
“Very observant, Corporal, but that’s not a question. Any questions?”
“How are we going to do it, sir?”
Sgt Can-Do-It said it was going to be tricky; it was going to require split-second timing and sheer force of will but it could be done.
I believed him.
Military precision: Some of our troops showed great bravery in the face of overwhelming odds.
Photo by
DanielBendjy
Sgt Can-Do-It said the scheme of manoeuvre was to release the torsion spring inside the coiled roller door just enough to allow a man to lift it by exactly 5.5mm.
That man was me.
At the same time, another man was going to roll the tank under the gap and into the carport.
The same man then had to help hold the roller door in position using brute strength to prevent it completely uncoiling while Sgt Can-Do-It re-wound the internal spring with his giant Stillson wrench.
The Sergeant began unwinding the roller door spring while I prepared to take the weight of the rolled metal on my hands using brute strength.
For some inexplicable reason – one that will be made clear during next week’s court martial – Private Fur-Brain Finski chose that moment to wander off and reconnoitre more chicken necks. This left just the Sergeant and myself to complete the mission using nothing but brute strength.
Somehow, the Sergeant managed to hold the weight of the roller door while he unwound the spring with his giant Stillson wrench. This allowed Corporal Precious Fingers to roll the tank under the gap.
The Sergeant’s selfless sacrifice and commitment to his men ensured the completion of the first part of the mission. This will undoubtedly be mentioned in despatches.
However, when it came to holding the weight of the roller door while the Sergeant rewound the spring’s tension, Corporal Precious Fingers’ strength and mental resolve failed at the critical moment.
This resulted in the entire uncoiling of the door, which left the carport exposed to enemy attack. The light was now fading, and the mission had to be abandoned.
Corporal Precious Fingers has since been ordered to undergo a six-month upper body strength workout program under the supervision of Major Blood and Guts.
The following day, while on a debrief at Victoria Park Lake, I gave Private Finski a serious talk about his commitment to esprit de corps.
As I was doing so, I received a text from Sergeant Can-Do-It requiring my immediate assistance to help re-install the roller door back at HQ.
Seeing this as a chance to redeem myself, I rushed back to offer my guts and brute strength.
However, by the time Private Finski and myself arrived at HQ the place was deserted, the roller door was back in place and working perfectly.
Sgt Can-Do-It had completed the mission by himself using his own mental agility and brute strength.
The Lawn Mower Land regiment is happy to promote Can-Do-It Ken to the rank of Colonel and present him with the RDM – Roller Door Medal – for selfless commitment to the battalion in the face of flabby support and dereliction of duty.
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