FEATURE The Venison Diplomat
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If you are reading this, it means that you are interested in joining the (not so) secret society of hunters. Today is your lucky day. As an expert beginner professional amateur adult-onset hunter, you can rely on me, The Venison Diplomat, to set you on a path to calling yourself a hunter too. I have been calling myself a hunter for at least forty thousand hours now, which is well in excess of the “10,000-hour rule” coined by Malcolm Gladwell as the key to achieving true expertise in any skill. Forty thousand hours might only be five years of experience or so, but quantifying time in hours sounds far more impressive. I have spent many hours scrolling through social media, reading books and magazines or watching hunting videos, so I am well-experienced in the trade. Besides, you have already got this magazine, so my advice is effectively free. What is the harm?
I should warn you; hunting is not for the faint of heart (or the empty of pocket). In the modern world of hunting, killing is the easy part. We have been inadvertently killing our whole lives anyway via supermarket shelves, so overcoming the ethics and morals associated with killing should be simple. The most important and challenging consideration for anyone who wishes to get into this way of life is in ensuring that you look like a hunter, and everyone knows that you hunt. To help you with this, I have broken up this article into the key things that will allow you to call yourself a hunter too. Follow my fool-proof, step-by-step guide and I promise you will be getting’ into huntin’ in no time.
1. Get Gear
You have heard the saying; all the gear and no idea. The first step in every new hunter’s journey involves getting all the gear and having no idea how, what, or where to use it. It is a rite of passage and is the sole reason that the outdoor industry exists. We, the ‘real’ hunters, need newbies like yourself to buy all the gear and keep the industry afloat. When you inevitably give up on hunting as a hobby, or as ‘a way of life’ as we like to call it, we will be the first to buy your second-hand gear for a fraction of the original cost.
The first step to becoming a hunter is to get a severe case of GAS. For those who have not read my previous article on GAS, I have re-defined it below.
Gear Acquisition Syndrome (GAS)
Adjective: Relating to or affected by GAS.
Noun: A person with GAS.
A widespread condition involving recurrent purchasing of hunting, camping, fishing, and other outdoor gear. It is often associated with hobby-sickness but can also be related to an underlying medical condition. People suffering from GAS are referred to as GASies, or a GASy.
As a new hunter, getting GAS is quite simple. Just open your online browser, type in “hunting” into the search engine and press enter. Then sit back and let the magic of internet cookies, Artificial Intelligence and capitalism do their work. You will be force fed pop-up ads for outdoor gear within seconds through your social media accounts. Once this first step is complete, you will need to access money, and lots of it. So warm up your savings account and apply for a credit card and an Afterpay account. Get money fast and purchase the following mandatory items:
- Clothing - Pick a hunting brand and buy one of each item. Branded clothing ensures you are ‘seen’ by the hunting industry, and hopefully not seen by the animals you are hunting.
- Weapon - Rifle or bow, buy a top-of-the-line brand and accessorise; scope, bi-pod, attachments, case, cleaning gear etc. The larger the calibre rifle or heavier the draw weight of bow, the greater the masculinity!
- Binoculars - High quality glass with excellent light gathering capacity. This ensures the binos still work at least as good as the naked eye after a dozen hunts without cleaning them properly.
- Knife – Expensive and handmade from high-grade steel with antler handle. To be used abusively a few times a year and never cleaned, sharpened, or stored correctly.
- First aid kit - To be used often, but never replenished so you are not sure what is in it. I call this ‘extreme hunting,’ like Bear Grylls but without the hotel stays…
- Game bags - The branded ones are much better than plain bags, or pillowcases.
- Tech - You will need to purchase high-tech video and sound gear, such as cameras, bipods, microphone, drone and editing software.
- Backpack - You will need an extremely large backpack (minimum 100L or more) to carry all your gear.
- Vehicle – Top-of-the-range 4WD with a large tray/boot. Then fit out with the following:
- Roof racks, side awning and roof tent.
- Bumper bar, to deal with those pesky native animals getting in the way of you participating in active conservation.
- Heavy duty, powered winch strapped to the bumper bar.
- Tool kit, stocked out so well that you don’t know what half of the tools are.
- Bottle jack, high lift jack and Jack Daniels. To help you out of sticky situations.
- UHF radio, including half a dozen antennae fixed to the bumper bar. Consider fixing an Aussie flag to one to add a patriotic touch.
- Inflator, and a deflator to deal with inflation.
- Shovel, fixed to the exterior of the vehicle. This is for appearance only.
- Fire Extinguisher, stored in a difficult location for retrieval in an emergency (Extreme hunting!).
- A motley collection of dirty and damp ropes and straps.
Important note: Everything you buy must be camo patterned or covered in branded stickers, where possible!
Yes, I am aware that we are in a cost-of-living crisis. I am only the messenger and not your target species…
- Get permission.
Obtaining permission from landholders to hunt on private land can be challenging. But the most difficult permission comes from the boss (your wife). It is rarely work, or the weather, or an unsuspecting illness that gets in the way of hunting for me. My workplace is very accommodating to my selfish pursuits. I get weekends off and my annual leave is legislated at four weeks per year. It is the heated negotiation and bargaining that occurs between me and my wife that defines my hunting permissions.
It should be my right to go hunting where and when and for how long I like. Surely our wives have suffered in our company for long enough. Us hunters are treated like second-class citizens by our partners, and it is about time that we rally together and take a stand! That is why I am considering starting a ‘suffera gent’ movement. Just like those brave suffragette women in the 20th century who fought for the right to vote through organised protest, it is time for all the keen hunters out there to stand up and fight for the right to hunt. Let’s all don the camo, grab the binos and hit the hills. We need to take a break from family burdens and pursue our selfish pastime. I mean, is my son’s first birthday as important as chasing after a four-legged critter in the mountains? He will have other birthdays…
It is difficult for new hunters to gain access to land, but not impossible. You just need to grow up on a large property or being mates with people who did. Or you can throw a few million bucks into purchasing a large rural property along the Great Dividing Range and lock it off from all outsiders to hunt exclusively. Be sure to install ‘private property’ and ‘shut the gate on illegal hunting’ signs on the front gate. It is a well-known fact that these signs stop poachers in their tracks. A poacher will always come through the front gate and would never cut a fence and sneak in another way. A ‘no hunting’ sign on a front gate is a guarantee that your place has great hunting, it draws in the poachers like a Buck to a Doe call.
If, like me, you were born in the suburbs with no prior connection to the land or its people, you need to go about getting access the old-fashioned way; by begging, pleading, pestering, knocking, requesting, annoying and, if all these ‘ings’ fail, try paying. If after all that you still cannot get private access, then you should apply for a game hunting licence for public land. The first step towards public land hunting success is not to spend any time in the forest scouting for sign and collecting local intel yourself. Instead, you should join a public land hunting group online and craft a quick message to the other members. Do not put much thought into this message, just write;“anyone seen game in X forest”, or“can someone share some pins on good spots to hunt in X”. Then sit back and wait for other public land hunters to give away their hard-earned knowledge for free. We sure are a generous bunch, us P’landers.
If public land is your only option for hunting access, make sure to affix this to your hunting persona. You are a public land advocate and proud of it. You are not just hunting public land because it is your only option, you are doing it as a service to the public to assist in the control of introduced species. There is no higher tree stand to perch upon than that of a public land hunter, so let it be known. At least buy an ADA – Stoney Creek Public Land T-Shirt.
Getting access to private property is difficult, so prepare yourself mentally for this reality. You will drive past game to go hunt game. I know of deer populations close to many urban areas, inhabiting the small bushy blocks adjacent to people’s back fences. Those four-legged creeps are sitting less than a hundred metres away from your house right now, staring into your living room, chewing their cud and biding their time...
As you read this there are deer feeding on people's front lawns in the outer suburbs of Sydney, but those same people are driving half a day South to hunt the forests near where I live. So, I drive half a day south into Victoria to get away from these city slickers, and inevitably upset the Victorians.“Build a wall on the border, and make the Welshmen pay for it,” I hear the Victorians say and yet none of their politicians have run with this in their election campaigns.“Make Hunting Great Again!” could be the slogan. History, it seems, is on my side, but I guess they just don’t like getting votes.
2. Get social.
This is the single most important piece of advice for new hunters. Hunting is about bragging and being bragged at.
We have all heard the philosophical thought experiment; ‘if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?’ This is an important question regarding observation and perception, and it applies directly to hunting. If a hunter kills an animal, did they really if they don’t share it immediately on social media?
I love filling the freezer, but I love bragging about filling my freezer more. sIf you don’t believe me, just search for@thevenisondiplomat. The physical sustenance you get from eating wild game is second to none, but it does little to sustain you psychologically. A hunter’s success once was shared with those closest to them via taxidermy trophies or a grip and grin photo. This simple and modest form of bragging has now morphed into a full-blown brag-fest thanks to social media.
Video streaming has allowed hunters to take bragging to a whole new level. Every new hunter should be prepared to contribute to this bottomless pit. Do not be concerned for the quality or content of the videos you create. Simply start by filming every single meaningless detail of your unsuccessful weekend away in the forest. Be sure to apply little to no editing to the video. Then add a catchy title for your click-bait. I recommend posing a statement to the viewer, such as,“you’ll never believe what I saw in the forest!” Alternatively, you can just add the words“catch, clean and cook” to the title. Then post your new video to your channel and wait for the dozen views to flood in. Enhance your bragging by sharing your video on social media, but don’t forget to hashtag!
There is a podcast for everything, and hunting is no exception. If you want to make a long drive to work even longer then try listening to other hunters in conversation with amateur podcasters. I have done a few podcasts myself, and I can’t recommend them. It is a cathartic experience being on a podcast. Hearing myself back on a recording brings out strong emotions in me, and not the good ones. All new hunters should seek out opportunities to be a guest on a podcast. There is nothing more satisfying than having your un-interesting and un-entertaining conversations immortalised into a digital format, I would know.
Hunting isn’t about man versus beast, it is man versus man. To climb the influencer ladder you must have a solid personal brand. You need identifying features for other hunters to recognise and remember you by. Having a name and a face is not enough, you need to have a title and a logo. For the title I recommend searching deep down inside yourself, reflecting on your ethics and morals. You need a title that represents who you are and what you offer to the hunting community. Alternatively, you can just pick the first thing that comes to mind like I did. The Venison Diplomat, good right?
The logo needs to reflect you and your brand, and this will require the services of a graphic designer. All hunting logos should include at least one of the following items: antlers, fire, tent, knife, mountains, or trees. Once you have the logo you can then arrange for other branded paraphernalia. This includes shirts, mugs, stickers, knives, pens, hats, hoodies and even underwear if you’re into that. We have all heard about the starving kids in Africa, but what about the un-sweaty kids in Asia? We must keep those sweatshops pumping out our branded gear!
Get’n into hunt’n, it is as simple as that!
You can now call yourself a hunter and ensure everyone knows it. Forget stranger danger, in the modern world it is good to be ‘followed’ by someone. So, get out there and share. The future of hunting is in your safe, self-promoting, hands. I wish you all the views, shares, likes and self-gratification you desire. Who knows, you might successfully hunt an animal or two in the process. And if you do, I am sure we will hear all about it…