Don't judge a book by its cover

1. Can you give us a brief self introduction?

My name is Richard and I have been married to my amazing wife, Catherine, for nearly 18 years. We have two teenage boys who bring amazing dimensions to my life. We have lived in Shepparton for five and a half years now. Before that we lived in Warragul Victoria. I am the pastor of Shepparton Baptist Church and this is the second church that I have pastored. I didn’t grow up around churches and the last 20 odd years being part of that environment has been life giving.

In hindsight, I have always struggled with my mental health, although it wasn’t until our time here in Shepparton that it became so chronic that it threatened my life. I still struggle with my mental health. There are still many periods of time where depression and/or anxiety cripple my ability to function daily. It is still needed to be managed with medication, psychology and healthy lifestyle choices. Exercise has become a crucial aspect of my ongoing general mental health.

2. What was your childhood like and do you feel some of those experiences contributed to your mental well-being?

My mum and dad separated when I was quite young. From that event, my life became quite nomadic. I remember counting the number of primary schools I attended quite a while ago and it came to around 11 primary schools. I also attended 5 different high schools and two of those I attended more than once. All before finishing high school half way through year 11 to pursue a career at McDonalds, of all places. Being a fairly natural introvert it was quite difficult to begin making friends so regularly and eventually I gave up and just became a loner. This lifestyle of instability and isolation certainly contributed to my poor general mental well-being. I remember many occasions where I felt a distinct “shutting down� of my emotions. I have to say that I already had a disposition to depression and anxiety so my childhood only exaggerated it. At the age of 15, I became friends with a guy who drank a lot. I drank far too much until I was around 19. I came very close to being a long term alcoholic at that time and my poor lifestyle choices (alcohol and drug abuse) at this time contributed to my ongoing poor mental health.

I can’t say that mental health would not have been a problem for me without these experiences but they certainly contributed to them.

3. What are some of the current stereotypes that are portrayed (by media, people’s opinions, and/or misconceptions)?

The media tend to show the worst of people with mental illness. Which makes sense because a normal, functioning person with an illness of any type is not newsworthy. We see people who are dangerous and unpredictable on the news. I also feel that the news tends to imply that people with mental illness are somehow using it as an excuse for bad behaviour. There are many people for whom their mental health is used to lessen the severity of legal sentencing.

My impression of people’s general concept of people with mental illness is that they are faking it to some extent or are using it as an excuse. The media don’t help with this and the legal system reinforces that view.

In general terms, which is ironic given that I am about to talk about people doing just that, most people appear to be sympathetic to those with mental illness. I do sense that there is an underlying doubt though. An unanswered question as to the validity and severity of the illness. A broken arm is easy to know how bad it is. Diabetes can be measured. A heart condition is also able to be determined. Not so with mental health. It’s easy to say “I have depression� but it is so much harder to say “I have depression to the point of wanting to suicide�. There are no markers when it comes to mental health except the extreme ones. It’s this vagueness that causes that underlying unease people have when it comes to someone with mental illness.

4. Have you personally experienced interactions and/or incidences in the wider community where you have been made to feel conscious of your mental health?

I am often conscious of my mental health when I see news articles on incidents involving people with that illness.Flippant comments about a person being “depressed� when they are just sad about something specific.There have been many occasions where a person has talked about how someone with mental health needs to “get over it� or simply smarten their act, either in a general conversation or even at a church service.I am also made very conscious of my mental health when it comes to my energy levels. I don’t have a lot of energy or motivation compared to people without a mental illness. I find it really hard to hear of all the things people achieve over the period of a week.

5. What drew you to your current vocation and are there specific challenges that need to be considered?

When I felt like I was meant to begin the process of becoming a minister of religion (or pastor), I was working in automotive manufacturing. My role there was as a production planner, which is quite computer focused work. As this sense of being called to something different continued, I found it increasingly hard to focus on the task at hand. I was becoming more interested in people than spreadsheets. As that continued, I knew that I needed to change what I did. I think the desire to help people through rough times in their life, to give them a sense of hope for the future and knowing that there was something special about the God I now believed in all drew me to my current vocation.

There are a number of challenges for me in this role in terms of my ongoing mental health. I default to a helper/pleaser person in my role and I can often put others before myself. This is not the best way to care for myself. I can quickly become too fatigued. Another challenge is the varied times of the role. It is definitely not a 9-5 job. There are many meetings after hours and people who can only connect with me when they are not working. I often find myself torn between caring for someone and finding the space I need to relax.The biggest challenge is having good boundaries around my time. Self care is important to me and it takes time. The role is also very demanding of my time.

6. What do you consider a full life and are you living it (have you defied particular stereotypes etc.)?

I have very high expectations of myself (a symptom or a cause of mental health challenges??) and what I consider to be a full life is, in reality, unachievable. In my role in manufacturing, one of the mottos the company existed by was “constant improvement�. I find myself in that mode in my life, to an extreme.

The reality is that I never consider myself to be living a full life. I do defy particular stereotypes of being dysfunctional by continuing to be functional at work, to push myself to exercise when depressed people are considered lazy.

7. You have a life motto, ‘Be the best you can be’. What does this actually mean and how does it reflect on your day to day activities?

After the Human Book Club where I shared a little about myself, I have modified my motto a little. Now it’s more like “Be the best you can be, on the day�. Not only do I desire to be better but I also want to get more done in life. Whether it's being more productive at work, ticking off a few jobs at home or even just simply writing more than I have in the past. Every day needs to be more productive than the last. These desires and drive can be either a gift or a curse. It helps me to get things done, to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. It also hinders me when I am struggling. I can give myself quite a mental beating when I don’t achieve what I set out to do. That’s where this motto can be very helpful.

There are days when purely getting moving for the day is really, really hard. There are days when all I can imagine is hiding in my house and forgetting the world. It’s on these days that I need to remember to be the best I can be, on the day. Some days, the best I can be is to not damage myself and get through the day. To be gentle with my expectations of what I can get done. The best I can do on some days is to hang on and make my way to bed time.

So, my life motto is an important one to relieve me from my constant inner critic that is giving me a hard time when I can’t get things done.

8. What has been the impact of mental health on your family.

This is probably the toughest question to answer. And the question that engages my most hurtful inner critic. At my worst days, I am certain that my mental health is impacting my family so severely that they would be better off without me in their life. At the lowest moments of my life, it has been this exact question that has brought me closest to ending my life. What I do hang on to is another quote I need to remember. That is “in the darkness remember what you learnt in the light�. In the light, I know that I am a good dad and husband. I know that I add value to the loves of my family. I also know that what I hear is not the truth. Part of that truth is that they occasionally aren’t certain which person they will get on a given day. But they love me, despite that. There are weeks that I am overly grumpy, but they love me despite that. They also know what it means to be part of a unit where there are weaknesses in the individual parts. That gives us strength. Catherine has the toughest time with my mental illness but she continues to choose me and continues to respond with grace, love and care.

9. What are some key messages you’d like for someone experiencing mental health challenges to take away from this interview?

The key message that I would like others to know is that we need to be much gentler with ourselves than our inner voices tell us. We are often giving ourselves such a hard time for what we haven’t done that we forget what we have done. One a bad day, just getting out of bed, having a shower or even eating are achievements. Being the best we can be, on the day has to give us permission to be gentle.

10. Are there some key points you’d like the wider community to take into consideration prior to engaging in ‘stereotype-thinking’ when it comes to mental health? Or when interacting with someone that may be experiencing mental health issues?

When we are interacting with someone suffering from mental illness, it’s really important that we all remember to be gentle. Judging a person based on their appearance, apparent mood or lack of social skills is not at all helpful. We need to be gracious in acknowledging that there is an illness that can’t be physically seen. There is a generalisation that people with mental illness are somehow dangerous people. The vast majority aren’t. The vast majority just want to get through the day.

People with mental illness really need support and understanding. Just as someone with a heart condition or diabetes needs exactly the same thing.

Interviewee - RichardInterviewer - Arti