Nashy's Notion

What does it mean though?

In essence, the maxim is a poke at the competition’s far-too-frequent moments of mayhem and misery.

It wasn’t coined or conjured for no reason, however. Since its inception, certain players have, in some way, contributed to peak A-League culture.

I’m talking about cult heroes — and now Shepparton has one of its own.

While in the throes of finding his feet during his second professional season, Alou Kuol has managed to etch his name into A-league folklore by a) being the born entertainer Shepparton’s football community know him as, and b) scoring a bag of goals.

Let’s bust out the spreadsheets and glance over Alou and co — aka the more notorious names to grace Foxtel in recent times.

Alou Kuol

For those doubting whether it’s too early to nominate our boy for cult status, turn the page now. This kid became on overnight sensation with one interview. What hasn’t Kuol done to draw attention to himself? Shouting out The Deck on his first television appearance was a good start. Waving off the red-carded Kerrin Stokes after provoking the Melbourne City man to bring him down helped the cause. His latest two-goal cameo whipped up a storm online. Cries of “get him in the Socceroos” rung out around the Twittersphere, all but cementing Kuol’s in vogue status. He’s dragging the Mariners out of the mud, leading the club’s resurgence after it has received a kitchen draw's worth of wooden spoons in recent times. Will Central Coast go all the way to the big dance, or assume form as the oversized tart who runs out of the room crying when the cab arrives? Either way, Kuol will have us wetting ourselves along the way.

Matt Simon

While Kuol’s A-League legacy has just begun, strike partner Matt Simon has been consistently entrenched in drama for more than a decade. The meme-worthy marksman celebrated his 200th appearance last week, but his moments of sh*thousery outweigh that number tenfold. Take his disaster-class against Western Sydney last month. Simon stomped the living soul out of former teammate Ziggy Gordon, and followed it up by launching a spittle-soaked spray at the defender’s crumpled body. It only reinforced the suspicion the “A” in A-League stands for either agricultural, animus or atrocious. Looking more likely to deliver a haymaker than a goal when roaming around up front, “Simmo” is the epitome of a no-nonsense (or as I like to refer to as no-good) striker. And we, as obliging A-League die-hards, love him for it. Never change, Matty.

Kevin Muscat

Kevin Muscat is what happens when you hand an axe-murderer a pair of football boots. While being a fairly handy player, Muscat earned his stripes as a bloodthirsty centre half who makes the average Sunday league chopper seem saintly in comparison. The Melbourne Victory gaffer is stern at the best of times, but during his playing days Muscat produced more grimace-worthy moments than a post-noughties Adam Sandler movie. He set the tone early, decking John Kosmina in 2006 — a fairly brave notion seeing as his victim’s impulse reaction went along the lines of “as soon as I got up, I thought I could kill this bloke. But I sort of want to make this a bit difficult, so that’s why I grabbed him by the throat”.

Emile Heskey

If someone told me a professional league deployed a roaming camera to focus on a single player, I'd be more than skeptical. If they told me that player was Emile Heskey, the cops would expect a call. I’m not convinced Liverpool’s former No.9 actually had a prime, so whatever shape he was in at the Newcastle Jets sure didn’t warrant something called “Heskey Cam”. I’m sure Newcastle thought it had won the Irish Sweepstakes when Heskey agreed to relocate Down Under. It wasn’t so. Shots going out for throw-ins, turning slower than a milk tanker and more, his impact probably didn’t warrant the $1,500,000+ price tag attached to big Emile. Though he did bag on 10 occasions for the Jets, I can’t help but feel that Heskey is to football what Mariah Carey is … to football.

Liam Reddy

We had to have a keeper on this list, and who else deserves the spot other than journeyman Liam Reddy. Currently still on the books at Perth Glory, Reddy has turned out for six of the original eight A-League franchises since its beginning. Though the maverick gloveman has made us gawk in admiration with many jaw-dropping stops, his peak A-League moment came with the ball at his feet instead. In a FIFA-inspired brain fade, Reddy ditched his duties and decided to dribble half the field. Unsurprisingly, his best Lionel Messi impersonation failed to pay off, granting Melbourne City’s Nick Fitzgerald an open net to which he converted. His comedy of errors went viral, and showed the world just how laughable — and loveable — our league is at times.

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