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From depression to suicide attempts: how Sam Holman is fighting the Black Dog
ON THE outside, Sam Holman is the quintessential Aussie larrikin.
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Easy-going, cheerful and funny. The joker of the group. The type of person you want as a friend.
But on the inside, unseen, a dark despair was growing, eating at him like a cancer.
Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness making him believe he would be better off dead.
Yet when you sit down to talk to the 29-year-old former Tatura man, nothing shouts ‘this is a life at risk'.
But in the past three months, he has attempted suicide four times.
He only has to get it right once and his story is over.
But it wouldn't be over for his five-year-old son, his partner and immediate family.
The ripples would keep spreading long after he was gone.
But Sam admits that was the last thing on his mind when he was on the brink of death.
“I didn’t want to be here. I had no self-worth and I was not the Sam everyone knew,” he said.
“I just thought I was better off dead.”
Thankfully, the Goornong farmhand’s friends were able to talk him down and urge him to get help.
“I had some real good mates who said to me ‘there’s something not right mate, you need to get some help’. With that, I did,” he said.
Diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, Sam is now undergoing treatment, and hopes sharing his story as part of Men’s Health Week will help others struggling with mental illness to speak up before it’s too late.
Growing up in Echuca West, Sam spent most of his school holidays working on the family farm at Strathallan.
In late 2014, while working in northern NSW, Sam was involved in a fatal truck accident, which killed a farmer aged in his late 60s.
“I had a bloke run a give way sign and I was in a road train and cleaned him up and he was killed,” he said.
“It was pretty tough to swallow.
“His family turned up, as it was just a couple of kilometres from his driveway.
“Being 23-24 at the time, it was all a bit daunting and a shock to the system.”
Instead of seeking help, Sam bottled up his emotions and tried to move on.
His son, Charlie, was born the following year, but his relationship with Charlie’s mum ended two years later.
“It was hard but I’m very fortunate to have a very good relationship with Charlie’s mum — and they live in Moama, so I get to see him regularly,” he said.
Sam has been with his partner, Naomi, for the past 12 months, but tragedy struck at the end of last year when the couple lost a baby.
“I didn’t really think affected me, but it did,” he said.
“Then coming off a fairly large harvest hay season, I wasn’t getting a lot of sleep and I was fairly busy and things started to spiral out of control.”
The first time he tried to take his life was on the March long weekend.
“I wanted to end it all,” he said.
“I was taken to Bendigo and spoke to some mental health nurses and I thought I was right again but since then, I’ve had a couple of other goes at it.
“A lot of it was alcohol-fuelled. Being in the agricultural industry, as clichéd as it sounds, it’s sort of a ritual to knock off and have a stubby on the back of the ute and talk about your day and I probably pushed it a bit too far with the whole drinking thing.
“Eventually I reached out to a mate who came and picked me up. I just rang him and said ‘I’m not feeling right. I’ve got stupid thoughts and I need help’.”
Sam spent several days receiving treatment through Bendigo Mental Health Services.
“I’m not an indoors person and being locked in there for four or five days and with COVID going on was very hard because I couldn’t go out, so that didn’t help me a lot, but the staff were pretty good,” he said.
“I guess going in there was better than the alternative.”
While it wasn’t an ideal environment, it made Sam realise he needed professional help. And slowly, he began to understand why he was feeling the way he was and what he had to do to get better.
“It was just a build-up of everything, and not recognising it to start with,” he said.
“I’ve never been a talker about my issues. I’ve always been there to listen to other people but never been a massive talker myself.
“I’ve always been the joker of the group and never worried about my feelings. I always worried about how everyone else was going.”
Sam admits his country attitude of ‘she’ll be right’ and being seen as weak if he showed emotion made things worse.
“In March when I was going through all my shit, I didn’t reach out and get help because I’ve never been a talker, I just thought ‘bugger that’,” he said.
“Probably pride stopped me from speaking, but also not wanting anyone to see me weak and vulnerable.
“But I’ve found talking about it has been a massive help. It’s a lot easier than it was six months ago to talk about anything. It was always ‘she’ll be right’.
“Going through this rollercoaster these last few months has put a massive perspective on things and that it’s perfectly fine to speak about mental health.”
As well as alcohol contributing to his depression and anxiety, Sam admitted working in the agricultural industry had been tough on his mental state.
“Sitting in a tractor or truck for 10, 12, 15 hours a day doesn’t do much good. And there’s only so many times you can look at Facebook and send Snapchats,” he said.
“Going through drought and stuff like that is hard, too. But at the end of the day, it’s a way of life and you’ve got to get on with it and take it for what it is.”
While it has only been a few weeks since Sam wanted out, he now has hope.
“I’m getting myself back on track,” he said.
“It’s still raw, but I’ve got the anxiety under control, and seeing the psychologist in Bendigo has helped a lot. It’s given me different ways to look at things and work on my trigger points.
“At the end of the day, I don’t want my young fella growing up without a dad and I don’t want my partner to have to bury me.”
Sam said he wouldn’t be where he was today without the support of his partner, family and friends.
“I’m very lucky to have such an amazing support network,” he said.
“My family have been unreal. Obviously, it’s been hard on Naomi, but she’s done an amazing job as well.”
And thanks to his supportive bosses, Sam has been able to continue working.
With suicide the leading cause of death for Australians aged between 15 and 44, Sam is urging men to seek help early.
“For anyone who is going through this, don’t be afraid to reach out and get the help you need to get better. It’s not weak to speak,” he said.
“Depression and mental health issues aren’t anything you’d wish upon your enemy and it’s a very dark and horrible place. But you’re not alone.”
And it doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
“The future looks good and I’m getting back on track,” Sam said.
“At the end of the day, there’s a rainbow after every storm.”
● For crisis support or if you know someone who is struggling, contact Lifeline on 131 114 or lifeline.org.au
Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636 or beyondblue.org.au
Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800 or kidshelpline.com.au
headspace: 1800 650 890 or headspace.org.au