You too can be Enlightened, just like me!

January 17, 2017

The news came through on the weekend that, as I had long-suspected, I am in fact Enlightened. This is on top of my considerable athleticism being, as you know, faster than Usain Bolt on the ground and the Thorpedo in the water.

I doubt this news will surprise you but, for some inexplicable reason, it came as a shock to The Boss. He received the news in his in-box, in a missive from Wisdom Pills ( ) and it listed 12 sure-fire indicators of my Enlightened state:

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,

through no fault of your own, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things…

Then you are probably the family dog.

Well, The Boss wasn't very nice about me being Enlightened. He laughed - not a happy, joyous laugh but the bitter laugh of someone who knows he'll never be as good as you. Then he disappeared for ten minutes and came back to read this to me:

If you could do exactly as you're told, now and then,

Instead of feigning deafness when it suits

And drooling by the breakfast table

When I'm trying to eat my toast;

If you could sit nicely on command

And stay until you're told to move

Then go and fetch the moment that I ask

And bring it back to hand without a fuss;

If you could let me sleep when the moon is high

Instead of barking half the night

At foxes, steers and owls a half a mile away

Or corollas in the trees across the track;

If you could do these things you'd be a useful hound

But as it is, I'd like to hand you back....

That last bit hurt, a lot. I looked at him with my best sad-dog look and he winked at me. Then he bent down and whispered in my ear: "You are NOT the Dalai Lama, General." Woof.

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